Boss

When you take a long time, you are slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
當你花了太多時間,是你做得太慢。
當你的老闆花了太多時間,是他做得很徹底。

When you don't do it, you are lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
當你沒做時,是你懶。
當你的老闆沒做時,是他太忙。

When you make a mistake, you are an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
當你犯一個錯誤時,你是白痴。
當你的老闆犯一個錯誤時,他只是人類。

When doing something without being told, you are overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
當你做了一些沒有被告知的事時,你是越權。
當你的老闆做了一些沒有被告知的事時,他是主動。

When you take a stand, you are being bullheaded.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
當你堅持己見時,你是頑固的。
當你的老闆堅持己見時,他是堅定的。

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you are being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
當你忽略禮節規矩時,你是粗魯無禮的。
當你的老闆忽略一些規則時,他是樸實的。

When you please your boss, you are arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
當你在討好你的老闆時,你是阿諛諂媚的。
當你的老闆討好他的老闆時,他是蠻好合作的。

When you are out of the office, you are wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
當你不在辦公室時,你是四處閒盪。
當你的老闆不在辦公室時,他一定是為了公事。

When you are on a day off sick, you are always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he's must be very will.
當你請一天病假時,你時常生病喔。
當你的老闆請一天病假時,他一定病得很厲害了。

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
當你申請假期時,你一定是去約會。
當你的老闆申請假期時,因為他工作過度了。

When you send jokes, it's junk mail!
When your boss sends jokes, it's humour!
當你寄一則笑話時,就是一封垃圾郵件!
當你的老闆寄笑話時,那是幽默!

法官和證人

法官:「證人,在法庭上作證時,只要說出自己親眼看見的就好,不要說出聽別人講的,懂嗎?」
證人:「是!我懂了。」
法官:「好,那麼,首先說出你的出生地及出生日期。」
證人:「法官,我無法回答,因為這些全都是聽我母親說的。」

香港大學怎樣去?

一位青年正在找香港大學,在香港打了幾轉迷了路。幸得遇見一位文質彬彬,抱著幾本厚書的老教授,便停下來向他請教:「先生,香港大學怎樣去嗎?」

那位老教授思索了一會說:「讀書,不斷的努力讀書,你就可以進入香港大學了。」

李鵬正白痴

八九年學運期間,一名學生寫了一張橫額,寫著「李鵬正白痴!」

這名學生事後被判入獄三十年,他不服氣對法官說:「我犯了什麼罪要判得這麼重?」

法官對他說:「你的罪名是洩漏國家機密。」

心目中的好男人

What I Want in a Man, Original List... (at age 22)
心目中的好男人(22歲時第一次寫)

Handsome、帥
Charming、迷人
Financially Successful、有錢
A Caring Listener、忠實的聽眾
Witty、風趣
In Good Shape、體力好
Dresses with Style、衣著合宜
Appreciates the Finer Things、品味高雅
Full of Thoughtful Surprises、時時讓我驚喜
An Imaginative, Romantic Lover、狂野浪漫的好情人


What I Want in a Man, Revised List. (at age 32)
心目中的好男人(32歲時改寫)

Nice Looking - Preferably with Hair on his Head、五官端正 - 最好還有頭髮
Pens Car Doors, Holds Chairs、會幫我開車門,拉座椅
Has Enough Money for a Nice Dinner at Restaurant、肯花錢帶我上館子吃頓好的
Listens More than He Talks、聽的比說的多
Laughs at my Jokes at Appropriate Times、聽我講笑話,該笑時會笑
Can Carry in All the Groceries with Ease、肯幫我提菜籃
Owns at Least One Tie、好歹有條領帶
Appreciates a Good Home Cooked Meal、喜歡吃我鶞熊
Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries、不會忘了生日及週年紀念日
Seeks Romance at Least Once a Week、一週至少溫存一番


What I Want in a Man, Revised List. (at age 42)
心目中的好男人(42歲時改寫)

Not Too Ugly - Bald Head OK、還像個人 - 禿子也無妨
Doesn't Drive Off Until I'm in the Car、等我上了車才開車
Works Steady - Splurges on Dinner at McDonalds on Occasion?
工作穩定 - 偶爾在麥當勞請吃大餐
Nods Head at Appropriate Times When I'm Talking、還肯聽我說話
Usually Remembers the Punchlines of Jokes、聽得懂笑話
Is in Good Enough Shape to Rearrange the Furniture、搬得動傢俱
Usually Wears Shirt that Covers Stomach、會找遮得住「小」腹的襯衫穿
Knows Not to Buy Champagne with Screw-Top Lids
不會笨到去買須要開瓶器的香檳
Remembers to Put the Toilet Seat Lid Down、上完廁所能把馬桶蓋歸位
Shaves on Most Weekends、每週刮鬍子


What I Want in a Man, Revised List. (at age 52)
心目中的好男人(52歲時改寫)

Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed to Appropriate Length
偶爾剪個鼻毛及耳毛
Doesn't Belch or Scrach in Public、不在公開場合打嗝或挖鼻孔
Doesn't Borrow Money Too Often、有點債信
Doesn't Nod Off to Sleep While I'm Emoting、我興緻來的時候,不會呼呼大睡
Doesn't Re-Tell Same Joke Too Many Times、一樣的笑話不講太多次
Is in Good Enough Shape to Get Off Couch on Weekends、週末還肯離開沙發
Usually Wears Matching Socks and Fresh Underwear
穿成對的襪子及乾淨的內衣褲
Appreciates a Good TV Dinner、肯吃電視快餐
Remembers Your Name on Occasion、多少記得別人的名字
Shaves on Some Weekends、偶爾刮個鬍子


What I Want in a Man, Revised List. (at age 62)
心目中的好男人(62歲時改寫)

Doesn't Scare Small Children、不會嚇壞小朋友
Remembers Where Bathroom Is、還記得浴室在哪
Doesn't Require Much Money for Upkeep、大病沒有
Only Snores Lightly When Awake (LOUDLY When Asleep)
醒的時候鼾聲不大(睡的時候可得大聲些)
Doesn't Forgets Why He's Laughing、還記得為何發笑
Is In Good Enough Shape to Stand Up by Himself、還站的起來
Usually Wears Some Clothes、不會光著身子亂跑
Likes Soft Foods、肯吃軟食
Remembers Where He Left His Teeth、還記得假牙在哪
Remembers When...、還記得……

保險

一個男的幫他太太向保險公司買了保險。

簽約完後,男的問那個業務員:「如果我太太今天晚上死了,我可以得多少?」
業務員答道:「大概二十年徒刑吧!」

吵架

一對情侶吵架。

女:「你每一樣東西都比不上任何人!」
男:「對,尤其是女朋友!」

狗屎

Q:全美國狗屎最多的地方在哪堙H
A:在人們的嘴裡

國文課

上國文課時,老師走到趴在桌上睡著的學生,把他搖醒並問道:
「你說,儒林外史是誰寫的?」

學生驚醒,連忙道:「報告老師,不是我。」全班哄堂。

老師怒道:「你出去吧!不必再來上我的課了。」

第二天,學生家長帶著學生向老師賠罪道:
「我這個孩子是蠢一點,但他從來不撒謊,那本什麼儒林外史,真的不是他寫的。」

衛生

餐廳中。

「服務生,你們這埵酗偵簼蛣P菜?」
「先生,我們這兒最有名的是燕窩。」
「不了,我不吃動物吐出來的東西,太沒衛生了。」
「那您想吃什麼?」
「先來一份雞蛋吧。」